Monday, June 19, 2017

Heart Bleed because my Head is done Trying.

What happens when you have wanted something for so long that you finally give up on it because its obviously not out there for you?   Do you go back to the drawing board and change your expectations?   Do You move on to something totally different conceding that it was never in the plans for you in the first place?   Do you allow feelings of defeat to embrace you?   Or do you shake it off and joyfully move on to a new experience instead?

This is where I am at.   Maybe there is no romantic love out there.  Maybe the movies are great big teasers that are set in motion to create impossible dreams for the weak minded like me.   Maybe its pipe dreams that keep my heart beating with the excitement of anticipation.   Maybe its just the anticipation that I am looking for and not really wanting a partner in the first place?

I have so many questions and absolutely no answers to why this is always so hard for me and why I feel like I have so much resistance in this area of my life when others just easily fall in and out of love all the time.   Maybe I am always wanting what I can't have, thus making it harder on myself.

I think it's just time to let go and settle into something that makes me feel safe and secure.   Something I can feel good about but doesn't take me over the top.   Maybe my gigantic love affair and wishing to change the views of romance is not in the cards for me.   Maybe my life is meant to be lived more quietly.   More subtly.

I feel so tired today.  So sad.   Which is weird cause my life is at the incredibly great place?  but I can't stop focussing on the one thing I don't have instead of seeing all the great things I do have.  I think it's normal for the accomplished person to be seeking out that one last element to complete the picture one has in their heads about what happiness looks like.

I am happy now.   I am content and full right now.   I just want someone to crawl into bed with at the end of the night to share that with...... but do I really?   Because would I not have manifested that already if I did?

Maybe we don't even truly know what we want.   And maybe what we have is all we really want we are just to busy caught up in what the movies tell us we want.  

Today I guess I will choose to be at peace and let my heart cry out for what it feels its missing.  Maybe she can get a response because my head sure isn't.

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