Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Day Four of.... Today I noticed.

Seeings as I love writing in the mornings, its more a yesterday I noticed but I am writing it today kinda thing.

So yesterday after getting only two lines in here before my day rushed off in a wild start without me, I noticed how obsessed I get when I am bored and how much validation I need when I am scared.

Fear grips us and we cannot move.  But in truth life has pauses and stops that cause me such great anxiety that in those nice little floats I burn my life to the ground because I cannot sit still... I repeat, I cannot sit still.    Shark is my birth totem and those fuckers cant stop swimming or they sink.  They are not built like other fish.  I don't think I am built like other humans.

So yesterday I got my jeep up and running again and felt pretty super star for having been able to afford it.  That level of vibrational increase brought about many calls and texts from guys.  Its weird how they can sniff out a girl who is feeling really good about herself.   I just wish that I could find one that is okay with me when I am not feeling really good about myself.

I am still on the guy thing but I am now beginning to understand that when I am moving forward they have no choice but to chase me.  Its when I am idle that I must learn not to chase them but to sit still with my own company until my life is moving forward again.  

I am very bad for beating myself up when things don't seem to be moving at the pace I want them too and this has got to stop.  It is in those self beatings that I do the most damage to my life.   We are our own worst enemies because in truth no one really gives a shit about us and our lives.  And thats not a sad pity statement its more about the truth of how self centered we are as humans.  we create from within its natural and normal to be the center of our universe.  We just tend to forget everyone else has their own universes as well that they are center of and trust me when I say of your the center of theirs watch out for a toxic ride of pure imbalance at every turn.

This is where psychology comes into play with the two healthy bubbles just touching each other to make for a great relationship, not the two become one model.  that has always been outdated, it just takes a ridiculously long time for us humans to change.  Again why you dont choose a partner you think will change for you because even if thats true the patience you would need to have would be astronomical to stick around and endure the pain of that happening or the latter is the path... death to their spsirt as they become who you want them to be.

I still am crazy about the fucking Leo.   All these guys calling, texting and sniffing around and all I do is compare them to the Lion and none of them meet up, or if they do becuease i am in a hate on mood for the fucking cat it only lasts moments and I remember that he can match me in whtever frequency I am in.   And thats what i am looking for.... total match of crazy... not picture perfect.

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