Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Turn of The Wheel.....

Sometimes I hide the truth from myself in order to get through and to actually create more pain for the poor undeserving heart.

At what point did his energy pull out and mine keep going?   Did I really not notice his lack of responses?   Why did I trust the connected one when she told me he loved me and that he was just acting immature?  Was that just my own test to actually push through something?

I am a runner.   I always run when things get hot in the kitchen.   I didn't run this time.  I didn't run with Mr. beautiful Crazy.   I am not a runner anymore.

Now I am a give it all away for free Girl to the most hurtful men around apparently.    How did I not see he was draining me the entire time just to give the energy to another |her.

How did I not see that the challenges were just too great to overcome?   Why was I willing to work on something so impossible?   Why was it so hard to let go?

I don't believe in the one anymore, but I did believe that the one I connected with would become something great with me.   I guess he fit the vision of what I wanted my life to be.

Why do we bother creating vision boards and goals, when there are obviously too many people involved to make that a reality?   How do we find someone willing to produce our visions?   I really thought I had found that why am I so blinded to the truth when it comes to love?

Was I just carrying on my combined vision with Mr beautiful Crazy, superimposing it on this poor unsuspecting Leo?   Could I once again see a potential that was never there and was not accepting the situation or the person as they were?

People don't change.

Maybe he could see that I wanted a different leo and he could never give me that one.  Maybe I seen him more grown up than he is and that created a wall too high to crawl over.   Maybe his strength to detach and move on months ago is actually a saving grace for me today.

I flow where it feels good.  I have not felt good for a very long time.  I just thought it was part of the process.   I don't think it is anymore.

But then who has been manifesting in my room at night if not him?

Twice in a row, the energy of a male has made himself known to me as I was getting ready for bed.   one time most intimately and the other time very solid in form touching my lower back.  I took the energy for the Leo trying to get my attention.   Then yesterday I felt a very strong cross road being created by him.   One for which I did not cross over.

He is abusing the power of my love.   Love turns into surrender and surrender turns into power.   I surrendered, he did not, he used my power against me and I let him.

Until a month ago that is.    It took a month for him to move on to someone else's power.   Sick fucking bastard..... hurts my heart.

Mr. beautiful crazy absorbed my power for two years.

It's time to learn when to surrender and who is worthy of my love and energy.  It's too bad that the Lion can't sees how great we would be together.  It's sad that he is lost in the surface layers, but what can I expect from a little gangster with a small vision?

So its back to the drawing board.    I am already on to a course that can lift these patterns for me and release me from the easy flow of my love.   Discernment and detachment are the lessons I shall embark upon now.   And having the strength to keep going in love and not give up on the quest and give in to my sadness at the cruelty of men who have had a taste of what I can offer.

This is the third guy I am aware of that my power has made crazy.  Maybe the next guy can handle it....   Another Leo is on the horizon this one has a few more qualities that have become important to me... like friends, family and well a job.

Although my heart is twisted, I can honestly say it doesn't totally hurt.  the relationship really just resided in my head and the lesson there is that the lack of real emotions was a direct result of over thinking and not having a place to release them and therefore the death of them was the only avenue they had to go, I just kept the play going because it was better than feeling alone as my life launched into a scene that was too new and too uncomfortable to journey solely on.

I have asked for a partner in my life, I see now the little Leo could not be that for me and that is more important than anything else on my list of must-haves that a potential partner embody.   Funny how we conveniently ignore some certain truths to bend reality when a number of other factors are in place, like it eliminates one big one in blue of the few extra little ones.

Another lesson.... live in the moment of what is real.  remove energy, remove astrology, remove the wisdom of elders and remove one's own desires of outcome and learn to just be in the moment, every moment and surely you will manifest along the right path for you.

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