Last night when the voting was going on I felt such a long need to be near Mr. Beautiful Crazy.
Wondering who he was feeling the shift with, if he was wondering the same about me.
I miss him like crazy but at the same time know without a doubt he was not good for me. Not anymore anyways. He was at one time, but we shifted and it no longer felt right. So its not that I longed for him back, I just worry about him still and do Love him ridiculously.
He came to me in my sleep.
I am welling up with tears now.
He just came and slept beside me was all. I felt so much Love, but tons of pain as well. I was at least the small spoon this time, but not close to me. In my sleep within my sleep I gravitated into him and allowed myself to sink deep within.
It was heaven. The peace I have when I am near that man is second to none. He brings a calm over me that without him I struggle terribly. It was what I needed after my energy picked up the Trump energy. I was in relief for even a few second within the astral realm... I needed that.
Then I heard him. 'Don't Do this'.
So loud in my ears but his lips didn't move. 'Don't Do this' echo'd within my soul like a gong rang on a silent winters night. The words brought so much pain. Pain of separation, rejection and boundary crossing. Pain of unworthiness and not loved enough. It was so overwhelming i didn't move a muscle.
In the silence, i couldn't even breath, i waited for him to move, push me away, remove me from the situation... He started kissing my collar bone instead. My sigh of relief was not passionate or sexy it was one of desperation and relief. i was embarrassed and pulled it in quickly in exchange for passion.
I woke up not shortly after that, three kisses into the majic and it was over. Left feeling a mixture of you asshole narcissistic addiction leave me alone, and thank you Mr. for coming and making sure I was okay.
I am lost in the confusion of the world right now and the confusion of my own heart. Like that popular song says...... I love him, I hate him.
It's dark lonely times all around for people right now. It is in our darkness's that we rise up and claim our lights. This is for sure my time to shine in my own life..... its the only way for me to move forward. The ONLY way.
I miss you Mr. Beautiful Crazy.