I am sure the rewards are fantastic and even just the addictive feeling of happiness it brings are incredible. ........ Ahhh, But really I have struggled with addiction in the past and that part of the reward system of love feels kinda uncomfortable for me as well.
For me the Love part is the part that I can give to someone else from inside myself that makes me feel so great. I love raising my children and loving them in a way that promotes strong healthy confident beings. I enjoy having pets to feed and care for and give my time too. Falling in love with another adult human has proven to be much more challenging however.
Maybe the human I chose has love receiving problems? I know I sure do struggle with this myself. I have come to learn giving love to oneself is paramount to even being able to enter into a real love relationship with another person. It took me many many years to learn how to cultivate my own love.
Self love means taking care of one self and all their responsibilities in this life. It means nurturing ones self and then giving that love we have bubbling up inside ourselves to another deserving human. And I am doing all this...... so why is it so challenging for me?
I feel like he rejects my love on occasion. Not all the time or I would not be in this situation with him. I have dated many men that I knew without a doubt in the very beginning that they were emotionally unavailable and not ready to give or receive love. Those men I dont spend time with. This man, My Mr. Beautiful Crazy, he is someone who has absorbed my love like a sponge.
It was so much absorption that at one point in our recent past I had to put the breaks on because he was draining me and not returning as much of the love back. Although he was giving me what I could handle at that time. I didn't know then that when I felt like I was being used what was really happening was I was closed off to receiving.
Am I still closed off to receiving? There is a very large part within me that feels like no body would want what I have to give. Like my love is tainted or something and to give it to someone would infect them.
And truly the manifestation of that belief has trickled into this very website. I have been hacked and a phisher or Malware has been attached to this page. When I came to view my blog a couple days ago it was nothing but a red screen blocking my progress. It is still that way today. Writing here might be a bad idea for my old as the hills computer.
I do think I have a block to receiving love. I can cultivate Love within myself because I read the books, took the advice and learned how to take care of myself. I have a tremendous amount of love within me to give. I just dont know how to keep the cycle of love going with another human being. A cycle that I am learning through this relationship that is imperative to the growth of love within me.
As long as I reject the give and take of love, I will continue to manifest that through my Twin. I have noticed how much of my wants, desires and past life experiences I have manifested into my Twins physical life and on his side it has been the same as well. I am certain he too struggles with the give and take of love as well and this is as much his manifestation as it is mine.
I dont really even know how to conclude this topic or what to say further at this point. My heart is sad today. I feel blocked, yet oddly made aware of some other things about myself that I never knew. Maybe this is just a pause in my life and this site to regroup and bring things back into a quiet balance.
Follow The White Rabbit....