I love him so much.
It has been the longest, toughest, easiest, most enjoyable journey these past few years with my Mr. Beautiful Crazy.
When he told me years ago that my crazy was beautiful I told my psychologist that I was seeing at the time of his statement. The look in her eyes is what sealed the deal for me. He was the man of my dreams. She looked at me with a mixture of happiness and envy. She was the same age as me and was beautiful, we felt very akin to each other. I knew then that I had found something great in Mr. Beautiful Crazy.
It's been almost four years since him and I met and truly it feels like only a year. Probably because we have moved at a turtles pace with a several months of runner mentality on both of our parts. It really is true that twins run from each other. For us it has happened several times, much more on my side then on his.
I think the reason runners run is because they cannot believe that this could be real or true so they get out before they find out that the their belief is the truth. But then every time they settle down their twin seems to be there again. That was the case with me anyways. Every time I friends offed my Twin he was always there at the end of my little emotional fit. He held no judgement and we just moved on.
This is why today I love him so much. He allowed me to be and to go through what I needed to in order to clear the energetic binds holding me back. And not that they are all cleared yet, but now I am learning to deal with them within the friendship.
I say friendship with a bit of venom on my tongue. Four years seems so fast because we are still in the friendzone and not because we are actually just friends because in full truth we are not. However Mr. needs to take it that slow because I am still struggling with sleeping with every man that throws some affection my way. Hence the Lovers thread of this blog.
I am coming down and finally into my healthy authentic self, but it has taken a very long time and many scraped up knees to get here. Very broken little girl I was. Regardless of what all the teachers and healers out there say, and I can say this because I too am a healer, your past needs to be worked through before you can move forward and for most people no amount of counselling, hypnotherapy, pain, or lessons will clear your past until you are truly ready to let go. I found I only became truly ready when placed in my path was the perfect man and in order to be with him I needed to come to him clean.
He still hasn't kissed me.
We have had 'sex' yes, but we have not really made love because he cannot reside there with me yet.... why? Cause I cannot settle into that place. I do not know that place, I have never experienced it. This is why its four years and still a friendship because it has taken me that long and still going for me to come to a place of allowing myself to let go of the past that has held me so tightly bound that it has been killing all my creations and my chance at any sort of happiness.
I am starting to let go now because my love for him is getting stronger then my pain. My love is growing and it is squeezing out the darkness. It is only through real love, not the mind trick white lighters with their affirmations present to you, but real true love that sets you free.
I am learning it is not the love of my Mr. that is setting me free, its my desire to love him even more then what I have currently to give that is setting me free. You would think it was the love for my children that would have brought me to this place. Truly they have brought me very very far along that path of self love but it is this incredibly beautiful man that is bringing me the distance I truly want to go.
It is in that love that I find the confidence to face my demons and speak the truth of who I am and what I want in this life. I want to be a great mother, which I know I am already. I want to fall madly in love with a man and live out a story book life with them, which is on the agenda. And I want to become a wonderful speaker/healer that leads women like myself out of the darkness and into the light, which again is already in play.
With the awakening my twin is bringing to me, I am starting to believe I can supersede all of these things because where before I had the knowledge, now I have the feelings.
Today I am so grateful and.... I am in LOVE.
Follow the White Rabbit....