Thursday, September 29, 2016

Cease and Withdraw

Give up the need to know where the relationship is going.

That is a piece of advice that Christian Carter in his, Catch him and Keep him online book states.   Its a piece of advice that I have been seriously not adhering to before hearing it.  I have nagged, pushed, manipulated and out right ultimatum Mr. Beautiful Crazy.

My escapades with all the other lovers I now see where my way to hurt him and draw him out at the same time.  It worked but as Christian says it will only work for a short time and not without resentment.  I see that clearly now.

I dont know how to fix the damage I have done.   I dont know how to change my behavior or how to stop needing to have some security within this friendship.  I am still wanting to pick fights and push him away.  And i dont know why.

My mind cries that it wants a partner but my heart seems to run away from that very same idea.  I am in conflict with my own self.  I dont know how to fix that.  I dont know how to be in my heart and to let my mind settle there.... or how to pull my heart into what my mind wants.

They say trust your heart, but I am not sure that is accurate at all.   My heart is ridiculously scared.  Its my mind and the logic that see's reason and understands my life will be so much better with a partner in my life.  And this particular partner as well.

However maybe it is yet again just a mind thing I am creating and truly my heart is not here because it knows it does not belong here with him.

I guess the more I write and the more I spin around this idea the deeper my hole will go and the harder it will be for me to get out of.   My higher power knows where I am to go in my life and I trust that my higher power will lead me there and through the people she needs to in order for my growth to occur.

I let go once again the outcome of this particular relationship.  If it is meant to be then it will be what it needs to be.  I will walk through what it is I need to walk through and will rise up to the occasions my higher power sets up for me.   I know this to be my truth because it has proven itself to me over and over again.

So I give up the need to know where this relationship is going and I give up any of my rights to manipulating it to fit the security my ego needs.  My higher power knows how I feel and will lead me accordingly.

.....And if after four years I am still in the friend zone it might be high time to realize that this is the only place I will ever be.  ..... And that maybe it is indeed my own heart that will never be any further along then friends.

Follow The White Rabbit...

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