Do you ever feel like your on a spiral rising up or slipping down... as you move you seem to keep repeating the same thing over and over again. Each time a little different, if your going up its a little easier to get through, everything is a little clearer.... but on the way down it is a little worse each time?
That is the spiral Merlin and I have been on for seven years and about four rungs of elevation. Each time we are more distant and less connected to each other. We try, definitely not for lack of trying, to bring that connection back but it never works and off we go again into our own lives across the oceans from each other.
Do I believe he is my twin flame still?
Yes and No.
He absolutely is the man that invoked the Twin Flame path for me. Had I been able to skip all my pain and processing and just walk into my new life with him when he showed up the first time, him and I would be writing books about the subject. But I couldn't accept what he was giving me at that moment.
I couldn't see what he was to me at that time. I knew he was a Twin and that my psychic abilities sky rocketed during our time together, actually all my gifts did. I felt stuff i had no concept of. I was opened and awakened at an accelerated rate. I was for sure falling wildly in lust with him. But I had just left my children. It didn't matter I had left my husband it was not a love match anymore and maybe had never been, so the heart was open for Merlin, that was not the issue.... my children were, and my heart was shattering into a million pieces at that very moment in time.
Merlin became my fantasy, nothing more.
I was in too much pain to see him as anything but. Love would not have been in my understanding to see at that time. I had never known love, but through being a mother, not the love of a man. That was foreign, actually any other love but my children's love for me was foreign.
It was only After Merlin was forced to walk away from me that I seen him for what he was too me.
He was what I had dreamed of since I was a child. he was what God had promised me once I finished all his work. I never knew it could show up that fast and in the midst of the worst pain I had endured in my adult years. I was so blinded.
I have spent seven years feeling like I missed my chance with what God had created for me, specially for me. I have spent that last seven years with merlin in my dreams every night. In this pages every day. Trying desperately to tell God I fucked up. But it was useless, I see now.
Because, again I was to be proven wrong when Mr. Beautiful Crazy walked into my life.
I learned recently through a Mary Magdalene healing course that there are many many many manifestations of our Twin Flame.... (and truly every other manifestation you want to occur but feel you missed out on). That means in truth if you miss the first opportunity another one will be along and in the honest truth an even better manifestation of it.
Mr. Beautiful Crazy has taken so much fucking work.... Like O.M.G. kind of work. The past seven years have been a terrible amount of work and suffering. I really didn't need to go through all of this to find profound happiness, but I did.
My belief that I need to feel pain before I can be happy held me in a seven year cycle. Which was not necessary but in truth I am okay with my decision. I love Mr. Beautiful. He is so worth the work.... way more so then Merlin ever was.
Now lets be honest I have no idea how Merlin and I would have played out. But I do know the feelings I have for Mr. Beautiful are much much much more real and grounded in something tangible in my world.
So as I work through a womb clearing program to help me release all my past lovers I find Merlin resurfacing and exiting in the same page in my book.
The dual between the dragon and the Spider that has been going on for well over five years came to an end today. I said goodbye to the spider that came into my life for a short period of time. I released the little fucker out into the wild.
And then I stepped on him.
I do not want a replay spiral for another seven years NO thanks. I have taken what Merlin the spider has gifted me.... the written word. But now I am fully accepting Mr. beautiful, the Dragon and His teachings for me.
........And deep in the bottom of my heart where no one ever gets a peek... I hope those teachings turn into a Tantric Nature and the Dragon cant get enough of Me for the rest of his Natural life on this planet.