Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Darkest Before The Dawn

I do not know if I will survive this wound.          It may require more then I have to give it to heal properly.     I am alone.  Alone.  Scared.  Cold.         The wolves may still be circling... I do not know.     I feel nothing but this searing pain and dull aches.   Everything is shaded dark grey.
I have not won.    Yet.    But my breath is strong.      I am not alive.    Yet.

I am reminded of words of prophecy from my great Merlin who started this Story seven years ago now.   "One day Kitty,  One day I am going to have to come save you from your consequences."   I knew even then what he meant by consequences.  You can only play the damaged Skunk for so long before it catches up to you and bites you hard in the left eye.

In Skunk medicine the ancient medicine woman believed that when a person is wanting to hook the opposite sex in a scent is given off.  It is how instant attraction works, two scents match in that moment.   A Bitch in heat has the entire neighborhood of dogs howling.

Merlin knew early on that my scent button was stuck on full open.  I was a full bitch in heat, every day, of every month, of every year since I was a small girl.

Years of sexual abuse damaged my switch.  I have spent my lifetime beating the odds of further damage to my musky scent.  Protecting myself from the damage already done And further damage. Shutting down all connections within me, my heart, my womb, my eye.... to protect people from my seductive ways.

It is getting harder and harder to keep my self preservation.   I can not stop myself from Loving him.

But, the minute I begin to open my heart all scent floods my senses and I am blinded by its sheer power flowing out of me.  I get stupid, I make terrible decisions, deadly decisions.  I get aggressive and manipulate the flow of the scent in desperation to protect him from my darkness.   I lose connections with my loved ones as they cannot stand my stink and fear my uncontrolled but normally very controlled nature.   At moments I am lowered to nothing more then a rabid animal, single focused.  To relieve the overwhelming desire to be ravaged.  To be sexed so deeply that I forget who I am and all the pain searing through my soul.

What starts as love turns to dirty lingering scent of skunk

I might be too damaged.

Some injuries never heal.  Some injuries were never set properly to heal.   Sometimes we have to work with what we have left and in this case that might be nothing.

Maybe this is my fading.....

Follow The White Rabbit...

More of Him....


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