What is unconditional love?
It is a question I have been pondering in all my interactions with others lately. Always from an internal place I ponder things, so my question is more about how I give love to others. It has only been in the past twenty four hours that I have even thought to ponder how I receive unconditional love.
That may sound strange to some. Of course everyone loves to be told they are pretty and loved and wanted and needed and desired and all those things a person might need to feel good about themselves. But I learned early on in my ponderings that, that is not unconditional love. Every one of them has conditions attached to them.
To be desired is to be wanted and what happens when the want wears off? Will there still be love behind it? Probably not because it was a conditional love. Any kind of love that I can receive is conditional love up until now. I felt comfort in a conditional kind of love. I felt safe in the love label attached to the flowing desire towards me. I think I knew in my heart that the love would end so I could flow right into it while it lasted and then I could move on.
Hahaha .......not that I ever moved on gracefully that's for sure. But move on I have....... for sure.
Conditional love to me was about attachments. Its such a catch phrase right now. Every new guy I have been with lately have warned me not to get attached to them. Its kinda infuriating. As a Hypnotherapist I know they are actually washing my mind of that thought by implanting it! So I have to fight not to fall in to their conditional love parameters cause in truth I really do just want to love them for the moment we are in,
My new lover falls into this category.
Mr. Beautiful Crazy does not.
For me to receive unconditional love I must learn to flip what I am wanting to give to men, and give it to myself. I LOVE beyond any scope of words I could muster in my limited brain Mr. Beautiful Crazy more then any other human being alive including my children.
Ya I said it. Even over my kids.... See I have seen how many conditions children put on your love and how many come from the parents side down as well. I love my children because I created them. That's amazing, birthing live is a miracle.... but they are not mine and they don't have the personality traits I personally adore in a person. But I do love who they are immensely.
My love for my Twin is all my own love. The more he speaks the more I fall in love. The closer he gets to me the weaker my masculine nature becomes and the more my feminine nature rises up. As he touches me more, I begin to flood the Nile with my juices. Even this mans darkness makes me love him more. There is nothing so far that has not created the deepest love within my belly for this Male Creature.
That my beauties, is unconditional Love. Why, what makes it so you wonder? is that not how every relationship builds? Not in my reality and not over the longest span of two years ever! Plus the hard truth of my unconditional love for him is..... He does not and I repeat very loudly... DOES NOT want to be with me romantically. He does not find me attractive. His words exactly. He does not have that desire for me, not in the beginning and still not after two years.
I tell myself that he can't handle my love, because when the love gets to close to his heart he slaps me back hard and fast. Kinda like my lover has recently too, unable to accept my love on that level.
But even with both of these men unable to accept the full spectrum of my love, I still want to give them what they can handle. So I pull back. I make sure they are okay because I love them that much. It isn't about me. It is about them. Thats the unconditional part, having no destination nor label on their love. Because trust me my loved ones, when a man wants you in full love because you have given him the grace to grow..... Holy fucking Hell opens up and engulfs heaven in Glorious Fire Works
So you see, I can give love to these boys... but the truth is, I cant yet accept it back for myself. To receive a massage from my Twin is almost painful on every level of my being. To let a my ex husband pay me a little more money each month is cause for me to question his conditions on that money. I cannot just allow this love to flow back to me. I block and deflect. Then get drained because my outgoing has no incoming.
Cultivating self love and working through those uncomfortable moments of receiving is the challenge I walk through as I walk from my Masculine nature into my Divine Feminine. Deep deep mother wounds need to be cleared for this one.
Follow the White Rabbit....
More of Him....