It always amazes me how a project takes dips and turns and leads you down a path you never intended to go. Sometimes the path leads to a dead end and you have to go back to the beginning and start over with new intentions or you are pleasantly surprised at where the road lead you.
That is the case with this blog.... yet I must not jump to pleasantly surprised just yet, as the ending is not even close to transpiring. The pleasantly surprised part then is that the person I was originally writing about in this blog has changed 'meat suits' as the wildly popular show Supernatural has wonderfully coined. My knight in shining armor turned out to be someone totally different because of the choices I made in my life.
One thing I am learning for sure is that we all have life challenges that are predestined for us. No amount of hiding or running away from these life lessons will make them go away. But running can change the fabric of the suit your meant to put on. I have worn a lot of jersey sweat pants in my day.
This blog was about undressing those bum around the house clothes and putting on a nice Channel Dress.
Except now the dress has changed colors due to some choices I have made in the past. My once Knight in Shining armor has changed meat suits. No longer available to me is the man I adoringly named Merlin, because of the magic he brought into my world.
The posts up until now was my story with him and how it was transpiring, aside from the dramatic flare I love to add to my writing, that was all truth of how him and I met and how it was developing. I had hoped this blog would draw him out and bring him back to me after we were separated due to overwhelm. I no longer believe that to be the truth or if it is the truth then I have a side detour with a friend who has snuck in the back door and has portrayed the true qualities of my Knight in Shining Armor.
There was no spark with the man I call my Beautiful Crazy.
I call him that not because he brings out a crazy in me, but that once he said to me that my crazy was beautiful. I had never received a compliment like that and it brought me to tears. I am definitely not everyone's cup of tea. I am deeply opinionated and fairly judgmental, If i don't like you, I am kinda a bitch.... not because I am mean spirited but because I am awkward with social graces. Having someone tell me that my crazy is beautiful, that what I believe in, even if he doesn't agree with my beliefs, opened my whole inner world up. My ex husband did not find my crazy beautiful, he found it exhausting. My friends sometimes find me too much to deal with.... but he wants to speak to me every day.. he wants to hear my rants( maybe not all the time, but he allows me that grace if i need to rant that day).
This my friends I have never had in my life. The empowerment it has given me is second to nothing that has ever empowered me before. That is why now I know finding the truest form of love has been and will always be one of my life missions. I was raised in an atmosphere where real love was absent. I continued in that forum until I was into my thirties. I don't want a shallow loveless life. I no longer want to go through the motions of what love looks like in the movies.... I want to experience it fully.
And now that I am beginning to let love in, a whole new world is opening up to me. I am seeing the love in the people around me. Friends that have always resided here and couldn't understand me before now have something to connect to me with. Friends that were on that side of the loveless fence with me are now seeing me in a new light and following or unfortunately falling off to the wayside if my love is too intense for them.... cause true to my crazy I am intense.
What I am realizing more then anything though is that when you meet someone who falls in love with you, it is actually you that you fall back in love with. A lover is a mirror to your soul, to the deepest recess of your being. You begin to see the good and the darkness within yourself with a fresh new set of eye's. And the deeper I get into this friendship the more afraid I become of losing this experience.
Because in truth. He doesn't really feel the same about me as I do him.
He is an Aquarius and he just loves. He loves everyone and everything. He loves me only as a friend... He loves me for what I am teaching him and giving him in his life today. All we ever have is this moment and both him and I are finally coming out of our dark stories and we are using each other as life rafts. That is a harsher side of the reality of where we are at.
The softer side is how much life similarities we have. How many times he has rescued me and how many times I have come to his aid. How he has fit into my life so gracefully like he has always meant to be there. How he knows exactly when and how to talk to me, to bring me to a more balanced point in the moment.
There are so many qualities and similarity's between the two of us, that whether he is ready to accept them for what they could be or not...
I have accepted them as such and I am willing to wait and see if it is a bridge he will ever be able to cross. Because in truth I have never met someone like him that has brought this much greatness out of me.... and that to me is the truest form of Love.
Follow the White Rabbit
The Birth of Him: