Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Courtship Insecurities!!

I am terrible at dating.  What is dating anyways?

For real.  I don't really date any of the guys I go out with.  It's just not part of my experience when I meet guys I am interested in.  Its not that I haven't been on dates before, I have, and they are always fun and interesting to me.

But in truth all the guys I fall into relationship with never do we really date.

So why did I say I am terrible at dating?  I guess better question then is.... I am terrible at courtship.

The early stages of a romance are hell for me.  I love the excitement of getting to know someone.  I love the excitement of the intoxicating feelings of desire, passion and even love.   I truly do enjoy falling in love over and over again.  

So why then do I hate the courtship?     Because no matter how I approach it or how fast or slow it goes... it always brings out my deepest insecurities.  Always.

My new Sagittarius lover is true to  his sign and has not given me very much to go off of as way of whether he likes me or not.   We fell into this very quickly and with very little preparation for each other.  He can roll like that very comfortably but me on the other hand.... I get complexes!

Take for instance.... my run away thoughts.  They are like on super speed, the Mag-lev bullet train doesn't even come close at 600 miles an hour.   I feel like a crazy stalker woman and yet feel to insecure to even say hi to him.   Its absolute rubbish that this kid is bringing these kinds of insecurities out of me.

He is 26, and nothing at all like the guys I have pursued in my wait time of twin flame developments (every story takes time to build, a girl gets bored while she waits)  This kid lives in my apartment building and didn't really light a flame the first time we met.  Of course I sparked with him.,,, only because I spark with everyone I possibly can.  lol  You never know what will come out of one of those sparks.... although thinking of it now... I sparked with Beautiful Crazy, yet he didn't spark with me.  I think that might of been the same with this kid.

But let me tell you, once my little sag lover realized what I wanted he came out full glory.  So full glory.  Lips, kisses, soft touches, rough touches, locking eyes, rocking thighs, omg... he was very good.  And he only has up to go, his willingness to respond to my ques..... yes.  A perfect lover.

 But........ I haven't been able to touch him since!!    That was Saturday and its Tuesday!!!  Thats too long!!  Just too long!

I am crawling out of myself here to get back onto him.  That is why I am not good a courtship.  I am too impatient.  Funny how I just whispered how slow stories take to develop.  lol  I am not good with slow. I want what I want and I want it now.  It takes me Eons to decide what I want so when the decision is made.... it better be go time!

Oh, Young grasshopper.   I tell myself......

....... He doesn't think your repulsive.  He isn't avoiding you.  He is not trying to destroy your trust in men.  He is not out to rip your heart out and eat it for shits and giggles.  He doesn't think your fat.  He didn't find you too aggressive in the bedroom.   He wasnt offended when you hugged him in the lobby.  He was okay that you texted a hello.   He doesn't think your bat shit crazy creeper.


..........He is just biding his time and enjoying the after glow of sleeping with a sexy woman, 15 years older then him from his apartment building which opens a tonne of kinky doors for his Sagittarius nature to dive into.  He is excited and nervous and not sure how to approach you now, but he definitely doesn't want to disappoint you so he will only come around when he knows he is in full game... which is not every night of the week.

He thinks your beautiful and loves the way you laugh.  He has never had someone trail their nails down his side before and send him into body spasms that feel so good, heaven on earth opens up.  He is completely amused with who and what you are to him.  And he looks forward to a few years of no strings attached full on love affair   Okay Grasshopper?

Momentarily I feel reassured....  Then my thoughts cycle back like a run away train and I begin the self defeating journey back into all of my worst qualities and how they will destroy any shred of happiness I had a hope on acquiring with this fling.  Seriously I dont do courtship well...

My head is a scary crazy place to be at a time like this... better to stay in my heart and in the Box.

Here is to hoping he calls tonight.


Follow the white rabbit....

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