Saturday, January 30, 2016

Back to the Lover Drawing Board

Ya.  I cant take a lover.  Who was I kidding?   How can you give yourself to another man when your heart, soul and self are tied into another man..... a man that feels and experiences everything you do?

Twin flames are so deeply connected that I truly believe Mr. Beautiful crazy can even hear what I am thinking.   I cannot be spending my energy that I share with him on some young buck Lover that doesn't know how to give and is just taking the little stability I have.  That wasn't the intentions I had set for this experience.   The universe always delivers what we want when we want it.... the catch is, the universe can only scrounge up certain experiences on short notice if you have not already laid the ground work for it.  I apparently have not laid the ground work.

So is it back to the drawing board or do I give up on expressing my needs this way?  In past research of Twin flames it was said that when the runner twin is not available for full connection the waiting twin can put there exuberant extra energy into creative pursuits.   I have been doing that, and I will continue to do so.  I think maybe the whole idea of taking a lover is not going to work.

The conversations between My twin and I, have shifted in two ways.  He has called me way more often then he ever has before, like three times a day we are talking on the phone instead of just steady daily texts.  And the conversations have been about how lonely he is and how much he wants to fall in love with someone some day.  Those conversations really really hurt me.

He has always maintained that he is not attracted to me in that way.  Maybe it is fully time for me to accept that as it is and let go of him.  I have cut off communications a few times because I could not deal with my feelings for him and his rejection of them.  But living without him in my life is harder.  Two of the times he came back to my life and I let him in as the time frames were long enough for me to forget about how much I loved him.  But this last time I contacted him and promised myself and my higher power that I would be okay with just being his friend only.

Taking a lover was a step in the direction of friendship for me.  Taking a lover was about filling the sexual need in me stirred up by my twin.  Taking a lover was about feeling wanted and loved and needed.  Taking a lover was about filling my spare time with something that connected me to my body. Taking a lover was not suppose to cause a rift between me and my twin.  It was not suppose to make me feel worse about myself.

I am an Empath.  I probably forgot to say that in my previous posts.  As a highly sensitive person I absorb everyone elses drama's.  Lots of times i go through huge process's that are not even mine.  With My twin its the only person I feel fully my self with and in control of who i am and whats going on for me.  With the short lived one time lover I had, he has some obsessive using issues that I can see now was coming through to me.  We always attract where we are at and I guess it was just meant to show how much I have been moving myself out of this reality as well.   

Maybe this lover came along to shed some light on some things about myself that also need to be addressed.   I love my twin.  I really only want him.  But truth be told he doesn't want me that way.  I have to just learn to accept that and prepare myself for the day he does fall in love and walk away for this friendship with smile on his face and I guess his true love in his heart.

Follow the White Rabbit....

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