Tuesday, December 12, 2017

I love him and that's all there is to it.   When you start creating a life that would fit him says something incredibly huge about how much you like him and are willing to sacrifice and create for him.    he is the one.  I do not doubt that today.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Faith keeps Me tied to My Destiny, There is No other Way.



You know I have never had this much faith before.   Even when my emotions are raging and my thoughts are dark I still know there is a place deep within me that knows this guy is the One.   I have held the belief for so long that I have a twin soul on this planet.  It's been so deeply ingrained in my consciousness that I knew I would create it even if it wasn't so.

I always knew secretly my Ex-husband was not mine forever.  I seemed to always know he was just to provide me children and that experience felt so natural while it was happening that it was easy to just flow with it.    But once I was out, the mad hunt for my twin began.   For seven years I have been looking for him and as the years drew on my feelings just got stronger, not weaker.

Back when he opened the door to his apartment for me and our eyes connected, I knew right at that moment this was the man I wanted to look at for the rest of my God-given life.   A year and a half later and actually further away from him emotionally then that night I still hold the desire to look at him for the rest of my life.   I honestly feel I could not even experience all that he is within an entire lifetime.   I definitely feel deeply connected to him.

Where does my belief come from?   Why is it so strong?  And why him?    These are the questions I have struggled with over the last year when my heart has been ripped into two either by him or by my own dark thoughts and fears.  And still, I have no answers for any of that.  All I know is how I feel and that is a total connection with him and a love for him even when he is the biggest asshole on the planet, which has been 90% of the fucking time.

So why stick around if he is always an asshole?   I dunno, I can't explain it but every time I move on there is always this huge block that isn't a challenge but more like a detour back to him each and every time.   Like the Movie Groundhog day, I just keep ending up at the same spot with him,    So truly I have given up the fight.   All I can really do is flow with the Goddess and allow her to place me where I need to be because of my faith in a higher power and a collective.   There is something so much larger than him or I at play here. 


Faith is bringing me into a grounded place where I know that what is meant for me will always come to fruition.  I have rolled this way my entire life except for the times I took control and wrecked my life, but even in those states, it was what was asked of me even if I didn't understand the directions at first. 

So again all that has been is how it was suppose to be and he is still in my vision and he is still beautiful and my heart is still warm for him, even if he is avoiding me and is in a totally different place then me right now.   I think this is why Twin pairings speak so much about time alone and getting creative while you wait for your partner to catch up with you in consciousness levels.  So if the gods hear me now, can you bring The Lion into Alignment with me sooner then Later.  I pray that for him.

This is what it means to faith and this is always what it means to dream and create a reality you love.

Faith keeps me in the now and accepting of reality because the truth is he probably hates me right now from all the drama I have caused him.  I probably fucked that guys head up a bit, but again probably a must because he fucked mine up.... change is never easy and the Tower Tarot card only comes when your not in faith.  When you just flow you become The Chariot in life and that baby climbs mountains with ease. 

So I am being the Chariot and off I go onto an adventure of school and all things about getting my ass into the dreams I have always seen for myself!   Astrologer and the Stage Here I come!!  Nostradomous Manefesto!!


Saturday, December 9, 2017

When Conditioning Fucks with the Good in Your Life.

What is love to me?   Really truly, what is it?   My only reference to real love is that of my parents, correct?  The first Love we experience mould our whole perception of it does it not?

Well whats if that love was completely toxic?   Whats if the first six years of my life when my brain was forming the Nero pathways in the love department the only love I was receiving was toxic and abusive?   How would that effect my ability to accept real love now?

Lets be honest here, I am extremely unhappy in the midst of a grand creation I am building with my life.   I have an incredible two jobs that are paving the way for me to go back to school to achieve something even greater then I thought imaginable for myself, well that's not entirely true I could imagine it I just didn't have the resources to make it happen before.  But now that I do I find I am still ridiculously unhappy.

It's because of the Lion.    I want him so much, I truly love this guy yet he brings up shards of pain for me.   Like deep demonic types of pain.   He cant be close to me right now because of that darkness that surrounds me.  Three strangers have now told me the same thing about letting go of that terrible brain patterning.    That terrible baseline of abusive love being the only kind of love for me.

I don't know any other way to love than through that of an alcoholic father a narcissistic mother who borderlines on sociopath and a pedophile who dominated my life for 8 years of my early childhood.  These are my love role models.

How do I move away from this?    Every time I get close to the Lion my whole being goes to this extremely dark place and I can no longer see the truth of the situation and find myself in my own self created hell.   Can one ever get past that?   Whats if the conditioning is just too deep?   Whats if I am just too damaged?

I feel like there are so many challenges around me right now that I cannot possible get through this.  I feel that truly I will be the old cat lady unwilling to work through her stuff and accepting the beautifully pure love of a cat to that of a human, its just easier isn't it?

The vibration I go into when I am thinking about him or after I am with him becomes so dark and scary that I fear being around him because the pure joy I feel being in his presence is like nothing I have ever felt before and it brings out this seriously toxic obsession for me.

I keep choosing to walk away.  I keep begging the gods to remove him from my life.  I don't want to hurt him anymore or myself.  I don't want to feel so conflicted all the time or so overwhelmed by the seemingly impossible challenge of allowing myself to just fall in love with him without all the fear of abusive love.   He wont stand for the abusive love.  He just cuts me out.  Just like I would to someone.

This guy is me, through and through.  Yet we will probably never meet on the same wave length because my fear might just be too much for me in the end. 

How do i let go of the toxic love my mom shared with me?   Her best friend of the past 15 years has been coming forward to me about how toxic my mom is with her and let me tell ya that has been a saving grace for me.  A door opening to the light I have been begging the Gods for my whole life to shed.  why so late?   Another person finally sees the manipulation my mom is capable of and how all her sisters protect and nurture that behaviour.   I had right to cut myself off from that energy.   I feel vindicated here.

My dad has apologized for all of my childhood and truly I could feel his real love for me underneath all the pain he was feeling from my mother and still feels to this day.... she really is an incredibly toxic bitch who destroys lives.   Part of me wonders if she was just born evil and all the pain spews from her or if she herself was destroyed in early childhood.  Either way she is unwilling to work through it and for that she has become the evil she begot.

It really is the pedophile that has fucked me up the worst.  I could fee his love for me as sick as it was, he needed me and that was very very very intoxicating to a six year old.   A lot of my love interests start with this kind of energy.  The energy of a man desperately needing me.  That is what loves feels like to me.   Not something light and fun, but something desperate and needy.   Along with that comes the constant sex as a part of that love, which has been my pattern with all men.... sex first then lets build something, but sex on the daily as we build.... which is not healthy and what I am learning men actually don't want it as much as us women do on the natural so add in my conditioning and well leaves a lot to be desired by the man if he wants more then just a fling with me.

I have been a horrible person to the Lion and I have the Big bad and the pedophile around me keeping me distanced from anything resembling real love in my life.   How do I shake those beings?   I have no idea.   They say awareness is enough and maybe soo, but this has been going on for over a year now and it doesn't seem to be any better.

I cant let go, but I cant hang on.  I am in Limbo and all my cards talk of making a choice.   Yet every choice I make is blocked with challenges and I cant seem to get through any of them.   So I guess retreat is the only option if have.   Maybe its time to just run away.  Run far far far away to get a new perspective on things and bring about a new energy and direction in life.

 Maybe my only choice is my cat.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

I am listening. I am Ready.





How many times will the universe send me a new psychic to tell me about the Lion and how much he is meant for me?   How many messages must I get before I relax enough to know without The Shadow of the Big Bad, that the Lion will be in my life for a very long time?

It has now officially been three psychics that have approached me about The Big Beautiful Lion.  Two through Instagram and now one in the flesh in my own living space.   The truth is getting closer to me and less easily written off as quacks taking advantage of my ridiculously strong feelings for someone.

I have never fallen in love like this and I sit on the fence whether its a puppy crush directed at the wrong person as a distraction to my life or if I can't seem to let my feelings go because this is the man for me and without him my life doesn't move forward.   A simple case of the chicken or the egg, which came first?   It doesn't really matter though because one cannot exist without the other and that's how I am starting to feel about this guy.

So where do I go with this information?

The new psychic called me and him Pure's and it would be two months before we were done the fighting.   The second part of that prophecy I can relate to, the first part peaks my interest some.    What does it mean to be pure?   I ask because I do feel the Lion and I are a different sort of people to others.   Higher empathy I feel.   I can feel him like no other before him and I know he feels even the subtest of shifts in me and reacts with intensity.   It's my anger that is causing all the strife and trouble between us.... for this I am certain.

Releasing my anger over past hurts is what I am going through now.

I suddenly see how I cannot get close to him until I do deal with those inflicted injustices I have endured in my life.   These slights which are not very important to carry on in life but when the heart of the pain is touched by a loving hand it reminds you that you have lived without the loving hand your whole life and being as old as I am that causes the pain to flare irrationally.

It's called Self-pity.   And its the biggest dream killer this third-dimensional world conceives.  It's not fear like the movies say it is.   Feel the fear and do it anyways.... no, what kills us is the self-pity we feel at not having ever experienced what we are moving into.  It is the why's that kill us..... why am I the only one that has never been loved.... until now?   Why have I not experienced this until now?


When we are taken by surprise some of us can skip the self-pity and just ride the wave and enjoy the life, but for others of us, Virgos,  which have to analyze everything and we tend to self-sabotage until our self-pity pot has been filled sufficiently enough for us to move on with a more grounded realistic approach to the new in our lives.

Well, the Lion just ain't standing for that self-pity pot fill.  So he goes away.   A lot.   Which I secretly like.  It gives me freedom from my own torment.  I can tell myself he is no longer there and I no longer have to do the work to move forward towards him.   I can go my own direction now and that free's me.

Of course, until another reader shows up and tells me..... nah bitch nah, that boy is for you and you best be dealing with your shit because he isn't going away and you're just preventing the inevitable.... so be happy.

I think I am the only person in the world who cries nightly to find a perfect fit for my life, begs the gods on a daily to send me someone who compliments me and will fuel my life, only to reject that very person over and over again.  And then to turn around and scream at the gods for continually sending me the same guy whom I am so attracted to I forget my fucking name when he walks in the room.

How fucked am I?    Drama queen at her finest!!

So apparently this story isn't over and soon the lion and I will match energy and be able to launch into something amazing together.   Whats two more months in the span of our lifetime together?   Hasn't it already truly been a year and a half since I crashed into his apartment and fell madly in love with him?    Whats another few months then?   Because let's be honest..... the gods are not letting us go anywhere else.



Monday, October 30, 2017

Maybe it was Written in the Stars?

 I just can't let you go.  I really truly cannot.  I think you may be my true north.

I have experienced a lot of years on this earth and I have mastered certain things within myself over the past seven-year cycle and one of those things is my mind and how my thoughts work.   I am a hypnotherapist for crying out loud!!   Yet every time I try to eradicate you from my life in the pursuit of a new adventure you keep lurking loudly in the near background of my mind and my heart.

Why can I not let you go?   Why is it you that still makes me happy even though you are not here?

 Why is it that you bring me comfort in a time of my life that is blossoming and becoming something greater then I have ever known?   How come I still need this creative avenue even though its what I identify as my sanity for the past seven years.... because we all know I have had very little sanity in those times!! 

Can I not let this phase of my life go, or is the only part that is supposed to come along with me?

Do we burn all the bridges of our past when we move from one cycle to the next? 

I know without a doubt it has been the only way I could move forward.  By physically removing all people, places and things that I associated with that past cycle I could let go with more ease.   How come that is not the same here?   Is this different?  Was he always supposed to be my future and that is why I truly, truly, truly cannot let go?

Am I still just batshit crazy?

I was with my ex-husband for two seven-year cycles, that last cycle was surely a not meant to be because it was a bit hellish.   For him mostly, I took every opportunity I could to grow and move away from who I was in that relationship(I hated myself, 250lbs of misery).   The next seven-year cycle is the one I am just coming out of now and it was truly a cycle that was full of pain, and guilt and anger and all feelings I could not express politely in this fucked up society we live in. 

But now,   Oh how now, is so much different. 

I am finally moving forward, I am finally picking up where I left off when I was bettering myself in the last seven-year cycle.   You see that whole cycle I prayed that my ex-husband could step up and be the man I was desiring.   Someone who believed in what I did, someone who was manly and strong and a fierce protector.  Someone who could share energy and visions for our future, someone who wanted to build something with me.... something great.

Out of my prayers came the removal of him from my life entirely.   Sometimes we cannot get what we want.   It was easy for me to see this and move on, after trying for seven years of course.

After leaving my ex the search for the man of my prayers began. 

Thus the birth of this blog and my next seven years.

 I really do believe things are in our heart for a reason.  We desire deeply the things we are meant to have.   I am not talking fleeting wishes and pipe dreams.   I am speaking of those things you just cannot Let go of no matter what.  I have known for a long time that I was gonna go back to school to be able to run a successful business one day and even though it has taken me a long time to get the courage up and to build the life situation to be able to do this am doing it now. 

I do have a lover out there that is my Equal that can And will combine energy with me in order for both of us to achieve something greater then we can on our own.   I still believe this in every part of my being.  I really do.   I know I can accomplish all of what I want on my own, but with a partner that shares the same ideals and aspirations well fuck then we can go two times higher then I can alone. 

That is what I want.

That was the purpose of this blog Since day one.  A Fantasy love Story that would turn out to be mine and his truth that we could share with the world one day.

 Merlin said to me one day that we would write a book together and I believed him.   My astrological chart with the Lion speaks of the exact same thing.  I am not sure what lions totem is but I was told when dating bad boy Number one that I should wait for the Bumble Bee and truly the looks of the lion is that of a bumble bee with matched energy and charm.  I have had two psychics reach out to me in the past two months in regards to The Lion trying to inform me that he is the answered prayer and has always been destined to me but I am nervous to believe them.

I have been through a lot in the past seven years and truly I am ready to walk away from my own dreams.  A case of if you love something set it free and allow it to come back to you in its own space and time.  I have had ample experience with this lately and see the validity in being ready for what you want and well maybe I am just not ready for my equal to come along yet.

This is me passively letting go in the moment yet my heart is still very much attached to the notion of twin flame love.  I know this because I can feel him.   I know this because when I am near him I can feel more of my own feelings and something deep and primal awakens within me and I am not all in control as I have been in the past.  And I like it.  No, actually I LOVE it.

I feel like Merlin and Mr Beautiful Crazy were sent to me to prepare me for something even greater and that no matter what I choose or what I do, I am destined for the arms of someone great.  I had once desperately wanted it to be one of those men but today I am no longer desperate I am actually running from it.....  this is what tells me, its real.

So I guess I won't be letting this go after all.  I guess this is the way I will communicate with him after all.   Where it all started as a form of communication with Merlin to now reaching out to the Lion is an attempt to share what I am feeling in the moment for him.   Maybe this will bridge the massive gap that seems to be between us even though we live in the same apartment building....





Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Good Bye Deep Feeling Dive, Coming up for Air Now!

I just about deleted you last night. 

I wanted to bring an end to this illusion.  I wanted to bring closure to a brain pattern that no longer infects me with delusional thoughts of My Loving Lion, or what started it all... The Merlin and of course the painful jaunt of  Mr. Beautiful Crazy. 

I wanted to kill my dream of Romance and Love.

Part of me today still wants that and then the other more compassionate forgiving romantic side of myself wants to gracefully bow out leaving the legacy of pain behind her.   Giving rise to a new kind of way by not having to burn the bridge of the old way.....

I got absorbed into my own writings last night and realized that this really isnt over for me.   I set an intention many times within this blog and I have yet to fulfil it.   Maybe I have too much faith or hope in the future. 

This is where I am struggling in my life.... Hope and the Now.... Faith and the Truth.

Hope and the now....  Hope is a feeling that the future is going to be better.   My new brain patterns tell me there is only ever this moment.   In this moment, is the Now, and we are all starting to read into the Power of the Now so if we are always feeling peace and immediate emotions in the Now then what need do we have of hope and the future?   

It is my journey into the present that I am learning that the power is right here, because if I don't like whats happening in the now I change it right away because my feeling is not in the future it is right now therefor hope is the waste of emotion because it really does not make changes just pacifies feelings of gloom.   I would rather not pacify but act instead in favor of change. 

Would you not agree?

But faith and truth go a bit deeper for me.   I used to interchange faith and hope but as I discect the feeling of hope I feel faith is a bit different.   Sometimes there are things in our present that no matter what we do we cannot change them so therefore we need to practice an acceptance of them.   Because there is a deeper nagging feeling to us that wants us to know something even if we are not ready to know it.  does that makes sense?   You know that feeling that makes no sense but you just can't seem to shake it so you follow it?   The situation isn't the greatest but you're getting a lot out of it so you continue on for a time until the feeling is no longer enjoyable? 

This is the faith that is holding my let go back.  This is faith taken a step to far.

 I have tried to shake the lion off me. 

So many times I have worked at letting this illusion go because its causing me to be crazy, to feel crazy to act crazy to generally be out of myself with emotions and actions.   A huge part of me loves every minute of the crazy but then the rational part of me says I am getting caught in an illusion that is going to hurt me far more than any other I have been involved with.

So my faith has blurred my truth. 

 I am so anti-Christian right now it turns my stomach because I have watched a close friend go down with this toxic ship.  Christians wrecked the bible.   I can honestly say I HATE that religion because of its need to consume.   It has gotten to big and gone to far and now it wants to consume everyone and everything in its path and convert it to either Godliness or the Devil.  Dualistic Bullshit.   Today's concept of faith is heavily Christian, faith in a higher power outside yourself.   My friend this week upset me so bad with this level of faith she has in her religion that I have rethought every area of my life and the level of faith I have placed on each one.  And I brought the concept back to a very real and tangible place.

Faith is beleiviing that what you are working on will pan out for you in the end.

Every journey has some rough patches and its this faith that pulls you through those times we need extra discipline or patience.   So faith is a word that I can definitely keep in my reality the question thus bears answering then is how much faith is too much faith? 

When do i cross the line from faith leading to discipline into faith blinding me to the truth?

Is the Lion really here? 

Was Merlin? 

Mr. Crazy beautiful was physically present but was his heart? 

Am I keeping a faith in something that no longer exists?  Or has never existed and no amount of vision boards and prayers is gonna create that reality for me so the faith I have is actually in an untruth.   Am i just living in yet another illusion and using my amazingly strong creative energy to bring into existence something that can never be? 

Do the whitelighters even know there are limits to what can be created for any one genetically made up person?

Maybe this is my limit?    Maybe this is as far as I am to go with my romantic adventures.  Maybe coming to acceptance that my faith is warping my truth and now I must move forward into a direction I have always known was a part of my path maybe the reward I had hoped to seek as a reassurance and guide along the way is actually not to come to pass and this is how I am meant to keep my faith in check?

My heart breaks every time I work on releasing this dream like a stronger part of me just wont let go.  in the past, it was an all or nothing for me.  today I function just fine outside the desires that lovingly consume me so that part of me that rationalizes is keeping things in perspective for me so thereofr can I not have both faith in my strong desires, and truth in my mission?   

I can't let this go, not yet anyway. 

I have fallen in love with the lion. 

This blog was originally titled,  2bawakened.   I had known all along that I have never been woken to my full love potential and I knew in my heart that it would only be through romantic intimacy that an opening would occur.   I knew these things not from experience but a faith in my heart.  And the solid truth is that the faith i had in the opening did actually occur and it was the lion that opened me.  Can I walk away from this now?   Now knowing that the intention of the blog has proved itself valid... should i abandon ship now that i have finally set it to sea?

Is this where my story shall end?  Just when i finally set sail?   Maybe the real question i should be asking myself is.... the one that opens you is he the balance you have been seeking?  Is he the adventure and the intentions you have set?  Is he the one ready to pounce with you through life?  Or did he just have a roll to play and he played it well?

Shall I just be thankfull and move on now.   allowing a new blog to pick up in the sea my new direction?   Have i come a full 360 but in a new light?   When you love something set it free kinda of thought.  better to loved and lost then to never have loved.  Be grateful for the open heart and move on? 

Why are we always pacifying ourselves with these ridiculous peices of advice floating all over the internet?

Sometimes when I get real and look back at all my relationships and question why they never get really far I have to face certain facts about myself.   And getting real, I don't want to let the Lion Go but I have to if I cannot let my pain go... he cannot reside in the same place as me and my pain.   This is a certain truth within my faith of this blog I only now understand through writing this piece and editing it. 

I am finally ready to let go of the pain the men in my life have caused me caused.   

Allowing all the darkness to pull away from me as I write this. 

The pain from the first man that hurt me all the way up to the pain that the Lion inflicted with his scratches (blood in the cut?). 

 It's time to feel the pain and allow it to wash away.  Waves of memory can wash over as each pain comes up to be noticed.  Let go of each memory accepting the pain they caused, understand why but the pain must be accepted anyways. 

Moving forward you will have many opportunities if you are just living, Just Live,  to release these pains as they come up to be cleared. 

It becomes a matter of choosing enjoyment over pain.  we are now conditioned to pain so reconditioning to Love thoughts takes time....faith and discipline....

Practice Love thoughts because its only in the love that we can let go of the pain.... getting hurt is part of that release and its okay.  It is better then praying for a release and forcing ones(Heritics and spiritual healers). 

Just live in the now and trust your feelings in the moment but learn to let go of the pain so that the moment is more enjoyable... even if it is an illusion for a time... the more enjoyable will always be the right path.  Even illusions become painful quickly thats when you choose something different to feel enjoyable about..... hence the closing down of this blog for me. 

Nothing feels enjoyable here anymore... not in my real world anyway.  It brings me way to much pain and I am just not that interested in it anymore. 

Going back to school.... now that brings my heart joy. 

Its time to change it up, I have had enough lessons here.

My next blog will be an academic one.  A blog to bring me OUT of my feelings.... These past seven years were too deep into them for me.  Way too Deep.

So I guess truly, in the end, this is a good bye afterall.  From killing it to keeping it, from illusion to reality,  this has always what my writings have down for me.

 I am not giving up on love I am just redirecting my focus, I have learned all I need to know in this department, for now, I am ready to just live it.  I just want to LIVE IT now.

 Hugs.  I wish you the best for this was quite the trip with you! 

Don't lose me,  Come find me in the academic circles now..............


Chaos!


Friday, September 29, 2017

Opening

I feel like I have been waiting my whole life to be opened up. 

I realize now it has finally happened and even though the one that opened me up doesn't want me I have to find happiness in the fact that I am indeed open now.

Hard lessons to learn:  guys can smell an open woman miles away and will go what they can to break her if they themselves are broken.   My heart is crushing under the weight of this knowledge and how hurting our world is.

Learning to love ourselves is so commonplace now but the truth is we cannot open ourselves up.  It takes another human with an open heart to open a closed heart.  I am grateful to the male that opened me up even if it is so bittersweet i can barely taste any of the sweetness in it. 

Now that I am open I find I am attracting all the guys in the world that are wishing to be opened but not at all ready to be.  As what goes around comes around and it is my payment for not being ready when the lion awoke me.

I come here to you now to place in a sacred space my need to move out of this cycle and into my own open heart where i can revel in the magic of my own love.  I am too raw to be present with these men that want nothing more from me then to sip at my very essence.   I am too raw to be rejected in this heart open place, although the rejection is not seen as such a negative thing as it once was, it still hurts all the same.

Loving my daughter, our new kitty, my jobs and coworkers on a whole new level is too be my focus now I guess and although that makes me feel so utterly sad as i have so much love to give and it just keeps growing the more i give it, but whatever it hurts to much out there in the world to love strangers.

I dont know where I am going or what is going to happen now that I understand this truth, but i do know my only goal is to keep my heart open.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Heart Bleed because my Head is done Trying.

What happens when you have wanted something for so long that you finally give up on it because its obviously not out there for you?   Do you go back to the drawing board and change your expectations?   Do You move on to something totally different conceding that it was never in the plans for you in the first place?   Do you allow feelings of defeat to embrace you?   Or do you shake it off and joyfully move on to a new experience instead?

This is where I am at.   Maybe there is no romantic love out there.  Maybe the movies are great big teasers that are set in motion to create impossible dreams for the weak minded like me.   Maybe its pipe dreams that keep my heart beating with the excitement of anticipation.   Maybe its just the anticipation that I am looking for and not really wanting a partner in the first place?

I have so many questions and absolutely no answers to why this is always so hard for me and why I feel like I have so much resistance in this area of my life when others just easily fall in and out of love all the time.   Maybe I am always wanting what I can't have, thus making it harder on myself.

I think it's just time to let go and settle into something that makes me feel safe and secure.   Something I can feel good about but doesn't take me over the top.   Maybe my gigantic love affair and wishing to change the views of romance is not in the cards for me.   Maybe my life is meant to be lived more quietly.   More subtly.

I feel so tired today.  So sad.   Which is weird cause my life is at the incredibly great place?  but I can't stop focussing on the one thing I don't have instead of seeing all the great things I do have.  I think it's normal for the accomplished person to be seeking out that one last element to complete the picture one has in their heads about what happiness looks like.

I am happy now.   I am content and full right now.   I just want someone to crawl into bed with at the end of the night to share that with...... but do I really?   Because would I not have manifested that already if I did?

Maybe we don't even truly know what we want.   And maybe what we have is all we really want we are just to busy caught up in what the movies tell us we want.  

Today I guess I will choose to be at peace and let my heart cry out for what it feels its missing.  Maybe she can get a response because my head sure isn't.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Day Nine of the Ten Day Writing Challenge.

Today I noticed that when I am with other people my mind is connected and strong.... with the right kind of people that is.... but right now when I am alone my mind is only on my current obsession and that's it.  

As a hypnotherapist i understand how to reprogram my thoughts, the problem lies in the wanting of that outcome.  

My desire for the unavailable man is paramount.

It is time to change my desires.

rereading what I wrote yesterday almost gagged me.    How can I be so in love with nothing more than a fantom image... an energy that may or may not be there?   How can I allow someone to play emotional games with me?   Do I not love myself enough to WANT to feel good?

Yes, I actually do.   And even though I know in less than an hour I will forget this new train of thought, I feel good right now getting back to the greatness of me.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Move Mountains, Then Rest.





I don't think of him as much.
But only because my life has gotten busy
In my quiet moments, he is there
Bringing me tears of love
causing my heart to ache with longing
then my mind to smash with reality
He isn't here.
only in my mind.

Then he smiles at me in the hall
or jokes with me in the parking lot
and the connection is reestablished
round and round on the merry-go-round
my heart swirls not sure if it is worth the wait
but knowing it will, regardless

He who masters patience
masters his life



When he laughs my world light up
Like a new fairy getting her wings
when he draws near to me my knees go weak
my heart flutters threatening a heart attack
When he soothes me with his words
everything is blissfully right in my world



I can wait for a deeper connection
it is worth the wait.  He is worth the work.


The work is always transferrable
and with each opportunity taken
another one will arise out of the failure
if failure shall occur
there are no right or wrong choices
just a path that is set out before you
both choices lead to the same destination

Relax.
Enjoy the mountain air.
Baby, you have arrived.
Now Your king is on his way.

Day eight of the ten day... Today I noticed challenge.

And that having missed several days in the middle because life got very fun and busy over the long weekend the last thing on my mind was sitting at my computer to write..  and therefore that is what I noticed.

I used to be a discipline junkie where if I missed a day of a challenge I would hear all the motivational guru's going through my head.... get 'r done, get back at it... don't let a trip turn into a fall. I don't hear those voices anymore, I am past that.

I also don't hear the voices of my parents or childhood taunters anymore.   I no longer hear the voices of the 12 step fellowship telling me what is right and what is wrong.  I no longer hear my ex's loving words soothing nor there bitter tears downs at the end.

Today I have noticed all I hear now..... is my own voice of reason, love and discernment.  

It's a great feeling that through my own connection to my highest self no longer does the guidance of others dominate my choices in life.   And this is including my tarot reading which I did just state a couple days ago where overtaking my life... my new voices of, reason?   Not well received, just saying.

I have come a long way from where I was when I was born into this world, obviously, not just age has changed me, but all the hard work I have put into myself to become the person I desired when I was very little.... A strong woman in her own right wealthy in all avenues of happiness and free in the very face of interdependence.  

Truly on the day eight of a writing daily challenge I have noticed..  I have arrived at the destination I had sought for myself 30 years ago.

Now that I am sitting on the top of my mountain, I know exactly what I want and I know exactly how to get it......

I wait.

Today I noticed.....

My cards are all over a change of home.    Part of me wants this and the other part of me does not...

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Day Six.... Today I noticed..



Why do feelings not match reality sometimes?   Why is it that we can bend the signs to fit what we want and not what is really happening?  Why is it that when we become more enlightened we also become more powerful at controlling our circumstances... and not to our benefit.

 Thats the responsibility that comes along with enlightenment, the more you abuse your new powers the more you get slapped by universal law.  Sometimes those smack downs are incredibly painful and life shaking.

I ask myself over and over again how do I let go.  I ask myself over and over again how do I move forward?   I am trying to learn to hold on to my visions and not be like a feather floating on the wind anymore because I want to create something of substance in my life but I don't know how to work at something when challenges get in the way.

When are the challenges telling us the path is not a worthy one and when do we view the challenges as needed obstacles to strengthen us?   How much time are we willing to waste on a particular path before we have to back up all the  way to the beginning to start all over again?

Today i noticed i am building courage and self love on a deeper level.   I am not as swayed by another actions and more in tune with what I know to be real within me and that knowledge brings me peace and truly thats the feeling I want these days... Love and Peace.

I dont know where my path is taking me but I do know that even in the pain there is a level of comfort knowing it is for a greater purpose.  Gone are the feelings of suffering and truly my situation has not changed just my perception of it.  Why did my perception change?  Because no matter how I felt about what was happening between the Lion and I whenever we met up in person it was always different from how I felt in my imaginations.  

Sometimes its better and sometimes it worse then what I imagined and sometimes it reinforces my beliefs and sometimes it destroys them all together.  I feel crazy most of the time and the rest of the time i feel grateful just to still be able to be in his presence when the universe see's fit to put us together for a moment or two.

I believe my sacrifice has come and I am willing to have just mere moments with him at the expense of anything less then because I cannot tolerate being less then with someone else, all I do is judge the situation and compare it to how the Lion makes me feel .... and those experiences never compare.  

So until the cosmic design pulls us apart I will be grateful for just moments of his time and hopefully a thought or two sent in my direction will feed my soul and passion enough.   Until I can have him deeply within me, I shall fill my passion with my Jeep and building my dreams because i have a sneaky feeling when and if I do get a good crack at Leo it will only be for a short time before he will be off and running again... best to keep a good hold of my own life during the process.

Today I noticed.... I am much stronger.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Day Five..... Today I Noticed.

When we keep our focus forward it allows the universe to bring things to us without our scrutiny and over analyzations.  We truly are our own worst enemies.

So I am working my ass off to create five streams of income right now.  I never want to be as broke as I was this past winter.  That need to not ever be there again has created this desire so strong in me that my motivation and determination are finally stronger then my need to fall in love and have the greatest sexual union this planet has ever seen.  

It has been the focus of my new serving job to pay for my Jeep Hobby, My Apartment building super attendant position with the reduced rent that pays my living costs, My Grounds maintenance position with the owner of the building I care take pays for the building of My Mindfalling program which will replace my income stream in the winter from the grounds position and I am just waiting on my fourth stream of income to begin after May long weekend, landscaping with a new up and comer to the scene here in GP.  

I am still looking for a fifth stream of income but I figure that will come in the winter through online opportunities that will open up for me once i get my toes wet in that field.  But that is not what is the really the exciting part of this post.... with my attention being focused on my business launch and the foundation i need to lay before that big day, Leo the Lion snuck up behind me!!

Onyx stones.   I am telling ya they are all the bomb if you want to not act like a retard around the guy your infatuated with.  Onyx helps ground a person and reduces excitability..... I am kangaroo jumpy around this guy.  My attraction to him and my desire to be with him is so overwhelming that I cannot string a proper sentence together so then I just wanna attack or crawl all over him because obviously my words and mind are not gonna get me to where I wanna be.   Ya, the latter was not working in my favor at all.... quite the opposite actually.

After ignoring him and then when I could no longer do that as we see each other almost daily in our apartment building I was cool and detached.  I think he liked that much better because now I can finally have a conversation with him without losing my fucking junk in my head and dropping it to my trunk and letting the baby bits talk for me.... jeez, women are built just like men when it comes to sexual craze.

So what I noticed today..... when you are moving forward in your own life and placing energy, attention and focus on what will better you in that moment then the universe adds your desires and rewards into the mix.... you cannot chase your rewards, you must chase the work.